


The Diary

by ActuallyRandomPerson



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Bisexual Sirius Black, Fluff, Gay Remus Lupin, How Do I Tag, M/M, Marauders' Era, Remus Lupin is an angsty teen, Theres a diary involved, i guess that covers it, idk how to friccin tag, plz help me out in the comments with these tags guys im d y i n g here, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-14
Updated: 2019-01-02
Packaged: 2019-09-30 23:46:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17233418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ActuallyRandomPerson/pseuds/ActuallyRandomPerson
Summary: Sirius Black doesn't expect to find out anything overly important when he reads Remus Lupin's diary. After all, the last time he read it was in second year,  and although they had found out he was a werewolf Sirius didn't think there was anything else Remus was hiding. What he discovers leaves him in a whirlwind of confusing emotions and leaves him wondering; who was this mysterious guy that Remus seemed to be falling in love with, and how dare they hurt his Moony.





	1. Remus I

**Author's Note:**

> Wow @ me, at least ur better at writing descriptions than u are at story titles (please suggest titles people I need help). Also now I know where I was going with this lmao  
> This was posted on Wattpad first (hence the backdating on chapter 1), and all the notes on the chapters are the original ones because why bother writing new ones. Chapter 2 is better than chapter 1 because I wrote them a year and a half apart so probably read the whole thing before deciding that u hate it k thanks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus is in denial bc hes a Dumb Boi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic has some very personal elements for me. I'm a demiromantic (need a strong emotional connection to be interested in dating someone) pansexual and although not completely out, all of my friends know and it's kinda hard to tell my family bc although they're accepting my brother has some weird opinions on the subject of sexuality and the like. The first paragraph was written ages ago, just after I had come to terms with my feelings, during a period of time where I was pretty much in love with one of my (incredibly straight) female best friends, and a lot of the behaviour Remus exhibits is based on my behaviour while I didn't want to admit that I liked her. I hope you like it although it's probably shit. I also won't update a lot and in three weeks am going to be away for ten weeks with all the fun sites blocked.

_Some days, the attraction is there. Stronger than for anyone else, for any girl. But the feeling flees just as quickly as it comes, leaving me in a whirlwind of emotions that makes me dizzy and confused. But how am I supposed to act upon these feelings when they are as fickle as the wind, coming and going in a heartbeat? How am supposed to act, when I would kill myself if anything hurt him, and I am the most dangerous of them all? So instead I do nothing, nothing but watch and dream of him feeling the same even if I know he'll eventually find her, and I'll have to watch and try to deny these feelings until one day, I am gone..._

"What ya doing, Moony?"

Remus sighed and looked up briefly from his diary, before closing it with a snap and locking it with a short spell.

"Nothing, really. Was just finishing an assignment."

Remus didn't particularly like lying to his fellow Marauders, but he knew that as soon as they found out he had a diary, no amount of protesting would stop them from reading it. That's what had happened in second year, and although being gay wasn't quite as massive a secret as being a werewolf, he still wasn't completely sure he wasn't being overly dramatic about his feelings and actually just liked Sirius as a friend, especially since he quite often looked at the Marauder and felt nothing but friendship.

After all, he'd heard his Mum refer to several females as beautiful, and although he didn't always agree with her she was sometimes right, and his Father had done the same with various males. Sure, he had thought about kissing guys before, but wasn't everyone curious about things like that? And yes, he wanted to do domestic things with Sirius, like cooking and falling asleep next to the shorter boy, but that was because Sirius's family had abandoned him... Wasn't it?

"That's boring. Come here, me and Padfoot need some help with that charm we're using in our next prank!"

Remus sighed again, but before he could respond Sirius did for him.

"Only you would tell Moony that school work is _boring_ , Prongs. Remember, to him it's absolutely riveting, and if you just call it boring he won't understand what you mean! You have to use words with _at least_ three syllables, more if possible! Words like monotonous, repetitious, tedious, wearisome! Simply boring won't get through to him."

"Thank you, Padfoot, but I did understand what Prongs meant. You didn't have to help him clarify it for me."

Sirius was still grinning when Remus looked up from his trunk after putting his diary away, and James was looking rather confused at Sirius' spiel. James then shook his head, as if to clear it, and looked over at Remus impatiently.

"Come on Moony, all our homework's not due for _weeks_! We want to pull this off by Friday, and we'll never get this charm right without your help."

Remus rolled his eyes before walking over to the other boy's and sitting on the bed next to them.

"What do you need help with? I promised Wormtail that I'd go over his Potions assignment with him once he got back from the library, so I can't help you for that long."

James and Sirus simply grinned at the other boy before launching into an explanation of what exactly the charm did and who they were using it on, before explaining what was going wrong. Although Remus already knew most of the information, as he'd helped them plan and had found the original charm, he listened patiently anyway, before making adjustments to their wand movements after they demonstrated.

•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•

Sirius was doing it again. Going and being so perfect and funny and making it slowly more impossible for Remus to deny his feelings. It had gotten to the stage where Remus would lie in bed for an hour or so before sleeping, literally just telling himself how straight he was and how even if he was slightly gay and potentially liked Sirius that Sirius was definitely straight so it didn't matter anyway.

This didn't help much, but it did make him feel slightly better about the situation even though every night he was coming closer and closer to admitting it to himself. This was all documented carefully in his diary, although he was careful not to use any names.

Then _it_ happened. _It_ was a month or so after the incident that led to Snape calling Lily a mudblood, but was so much worse on every level. Sirius told Snape how to get into the Whomping Willow, and now someone else knew Remus' secret.

Sirius had apologised many times over the incident, claiming he didn't know what had come over him. James had eventually stopped ignoring the other boy, giving in about a month or so after it had happened but Remus just couldn't. He could have killed someone, and he would've gone to jail, even though it wouldn't have been his fault.

Despite this, Remus still was falling for the black haired boy. He watched from afar, and Lily, who he'd take to hanging out with whenever James and Peter were with Sirius, had noticed.

"I know it's none of my business, and I don't know what happened between the four of you to cause the fight... But Remus, it's been almost three months. Don't you think it's time to forgive him? I know how much you miss him, you watch them all the time. He misses you too."

Remus sighed and looked at the redhead.

"Never thought I'd see the day where you were advocating that I talk to them. I will eventually, but... I just need a little more time."

Lily nodded in acceptance, and dropped the topic. She trusted Remus' judgement, and anything that would stop James from speaking to Sirius must be bad.

•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•

It was a week and a half later that Remus found the letter. It was lying on the floor outside Sirius' bed, and appeared to be a few months old. In fact, the date on it made it seem like it had been sent just before _it_ happened. Despite himself, Remus was overcome with curiosity and unrolled the parchment quickly, with barely a glance at the clock to judge when the other boys would be getting back.

It was from Sirius' parents, and the contents made his blood boil. How dare they say these horrible things about his Sirius, and what kind of person did you have to be to say that you wished that your child was dead or they'd turned out like Snape instead?

Suddenly Sirius' behaviour that day made a lot more sense, and although what he did was still wrong, who wouldn't have been as rash and stupid as he had with the emotions that would've been flooding his mind? The letter crumpled in his hands, as Remus unconsciously made a fist in order to try and control his anger at Sirius' parents.

Then Sirius came into the room. He'd been planning to avoid contact with Remus, in order to ward off any awkward situations, but when he saw the state the other boy was in, that flew out of his mind.

"Remus? Are- Are you alright?"

The letter dropped out of his hands as he heard his friend, before he launched himself at the black haired boy, rambling incoherently about how he hadn't understood and how sorry he was.

Sirius just wrapped his arms around the taller boy, not really understanding the situation but completely happy he'd somehow earned back Remus' trust.

•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•

The next day at breakfast, Lily sat down next to Remus, in between him and James. While James looked like he was having a heart attack, she completely ignored him and started talking to Remus.

"You're looking happy this morning. Did you finally forgive Sirius?"

He smiled at her, slightly abashed.

"Yeah. I should have forgiven him ages ago, but you know how stubborn I can be."

She grinned back, and was about to say something when Sirius interrupted her.

"Oi, Evans, that's my seat your sitting in so-"

He would have said more, but he noticed James looking at him desperately and miming killing him.

"-I guess today I'll sit on the other side of Moony today and Wormtail can sit next to James."

James visibly sagged in relief, before doing his best to work out a safe topic that Lily would want to talk about. She was almost warming up to him, especially since she'd started spending more time with Remus and realised that all the Marauders had matured. However, it was almost the end of fifth year, and James had almost given up on ever getting her to like him in any sort of romantic capacity.

As breakfast continued, Remus realised that the only problem with him forgiving Sirius was that he could no longer watch him constantly, as he no longer had the excuse that Lily had accidentally given him.

•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*

That night, Remus wrote in his diary again. The last few entries where very confusing, especially since he wrote mostly based on his emotions, which had been even more messed up than normal. The ones after the past few full moons where the worst, as in the three months that him and Sirius weren't talking Sirius hasn't been at the full moon nights, as none of them knew how Remus' 'furry little problem' would react to Padfoot.

Remus had known this beforehand, as although he wasn't speaking to Sirius he still listened and responded with quiet, short answers if Sirius spoke directly to him. However, although it would probably have been worse if Sirius was there, him being absent meant that James had more work to do calming the werewolf down.

As such, the entries after the full moons were a complete jumble of emotions; mostly pain, heartbreak and and general sadness. The rest of the entries where mostly documenting his confusion about his feelings, especially since he had continued loving Sirius the whole time, but still couldn't forgive him.

He felt compelled to write an entry at least twice a week, however depending on what had happened he often wrote more. He didn't put dates on the entries, as it didn't really matter to him if he knew when things had happened or not.

Tonight's entry was mostly about how he'd forgiven Sirius, but he still didn't name him directly or reference anything in the letter. He wouldn't be surprised if the other Marauders ended up finding his diary and reading it, and although he had slowly come to terms with being gay (although he still had occasional bouts of denial) he didn't want his fellow Marauders to know yet.

Sirius, who'd been in the library helping Peter with his DADA homework, walked in just as Remus finished writing.

"Ooohh, what's that?"

"Nothing, Padfoot. Just a letter to my parents."

"Then why is it in a book? That's seems stupid."

Remus had luckily had some practice at lying, but before he could come up with a reason Sirius had stopped suddenly, halfway through the room.

"Come to think of it, you've been writing a lot recently, more than usual. Usually you do your homework on the night we get it, but almost all the assignments we have now have been handed in. And the other ones we've had weeks to do, so you did them ages ago. Outside of that, you write letters at least once a week, but never more than three times a week, and never two days in a row. But recently you've been writing daily... Has something happened?"

Remus was stuck. On one hand, he considered lying and saying his mother had fallen ill, but he knew that Sirius would just freak out because he thought Remus' mum was the second most amazing woman on earth (the most amazing being James' mum). On the other, he wanted to play it cool and just deflect the question by asking Sirius how he knew all this information, which was the safer option but risked Sirius bringing it up again later. He still decided to go with it, though.

"Sirius, how on earth do you know all that?"

Sirius flushed bright red but was saved from answering by James bounding into the room, Peter on his heels.

"Guess what Lily just said to Prongs!" Peter exclaimed excitedly.

"Did she finally declare her everlasting love and state that she would die unless he took her to Hogsmeade?" Sirius started bouncing as he asked the question, but stopped when he heard James' answer.

"No, not quite that dramatic."

Remus looked over at James, a questioning look on his face.

"Did she say yes?"

James looked slightly less excited at his statement.

"Well, no, but I didn't want to ask her. I thought I should just leave it for this year."

"Then what on earth are you so excited about?" Sirius asked, confused.

"She said she liked hanging out with me and that I wasn't as much of a jerk as I used to be!!"

Remus smiled encouragingly.

"When you consider its Lily talking to you, that's great! That's pretty much her way of saying you're a nice person and if you ask her out she might actually consider it before saying no."

"I know! I'll ask her next year, and my Lily flower might actually agree!"

The four boys stayed up a little later than usual that night, talking and promising to owl as much as they could over the holidays, which were a week away. They knew Sirius would be barely able to, but that their owls would still get through (although the letters were screened), and that he would write as much as he could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... that's the first chapter. I think I'll do an Uncle Rick and just have the chapter titles as either 'Sirius' or 'Remus' depending on who's POV it focuses on (although third person). I feel like I'll struggle a bit at first with Sirius' POV, because although I originally envisioned it as just literally being third person and not focusing on anyone in particular, this one was all Remus. Idk how long this'll be, it will probably be tenish chaps but no promises. It's not brilliant but hey it's up sooo


	2. Look chapter two happened eventually I didn't die (AKA Sirius I)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius is a mess but what else is new lmao

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay summer sixth year! I really don't know what to say due to my writing this all in a block... (Edit: lol that didn't end up happening) I think this'll be about five chaps? Maybe six? Not too long, I'll probably go with two in each till the end and then an epilogue of some sort. Idk. Enjoy this mess that is my second published fic that isn't _completely_ shit my dear invisible audience!

It was two weeks into summer, and Sirius couldn't wait for school to start again. He wasn't even getting mail, as his mother had walked into his room halfway through the year, seen the state of the walls and ripped down his posters.

She'd written a letter to him then, telling him how unnatural he was and how his assortment of pictures of scantily dressed muggles, both male and female, and various muggle machines made him unworthy to be the heir of the _oh so glorious_ House of Black. However, he'd had the foresight to hide replicas in his suitcase, and had started to put them up again when Kreature knocked on the door.

"Master Black wants you in the kitchen."

He then walked away, muttering about filthy muggles and how his pictures where sullying the image of the house. Sirius looked mournfully at his stack of pictures still lying in his trunk, he'd gotten about halfway through however there was still a dozen or so images to be put up.

Sirius was bisexual, and although his friends didn't know, his family did, simply because it pissed them off. He was lucky that he wasn't completely gay, though, as when he was eventually forced into a straight marriage he would at least be able to produce heirs as expected.

Sighing, he made his way to the kitchen, only to find his father furious about something. Sirius didn't even get an explanation before his father turned on him, wand out.

•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•

"Welcome to the Knight Bus, emergency transport for the stranded witch or wizard. My name is Dil Howlter and I will be your conductor this evening. Are- are you alright, sir?"

Sirius ran a hand through his hair, his hastily packed suitcase next to him.

"Yes, I'm... I'm alright. Normal fare, please."

The conductor looked quite relieved.

"That'll be 11 sickles. And thank Merlin, I always drop the hot chocolate. Um, where did you say you were heading?"

"The Potters' family residence, please."

"Oh, the Potters? Are you a family friend?"

"Go to school with their son. I'm gonna go find a seat before the bus starts."

"Good idea, Mr... I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name!"

"That's because I didn't say it, sir."

Then Sirius turned and walked to the top level, where he prepared himself for the ride.

•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•

As Sirius walked up to the door of James' house, he had to remember to steady his breathing. The Potters understood his situation, and had always offered their home as a place of refuge, but he felt bad springing this on them. He knocked on the door, using the old brass knocker that was shaped like a lion. After doing so there was a commotion inside the house, then the sound of someone running to the door. When the door opened, James wasn't really looking at Sirius.

"Who is i- Padfoot, what are you doing here?"

"I... sorta ran away?"

"For good or just for a week or so?"

"Well, my father was blasting my name off the tapestry as I left so I don't think I'm going to be welcome back in any time soon."

James pulled Sirius inside quickly.

"My mum's not working today, so she can patch you up. Have you got clothes or do you need to borrow some?"

"I've got enough, I hadn't even unpacked properly yet so I just shoved a few extra things in my suitcase."

When they got to the living room, James' Mum, Euphemia, was sitting there.

"Sirius! Are you all right? Come here, dear, and I'll fix you up."

•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•

Sirius was lying in bed about a week later, reading the letters he'd gotten from Remus and Peter, when James ran into the room, practically tripping over Sirius' basically empty suitcase.

"Has Wormtail told you? He's getting his books in Diagon Alley next Friday, same day as us!"

Sirius looked up excitedly, only to find James looking very confused.

"Don't think too hard, Prongs, you'll strain a muscle"

"Oh shut it, mate, I get higher marks than you..."

James was indignant at first but soon trailed off, seemingly distracted.

"Padfoot, is there something you're not telling us?"

He then reached in and pulled out one of the pictures Sirius hadn't managed to hang up.

"I was hanging muggle pictures on my wall at home, why?"

James rolled his eyes.

"I was talking about the fact that it's a guy. Are you..."

Inwardly cursing, Sirius shrugged his shoulders in an attempt at acting nonchalant.

"Gay? No. But I am bi, which means I get double the amount of people to choose from!"

James laughed.

"Only you would choose to come out like that. I don't care, and I'm actually not that surprised. I've been wondering for a while, especially since you seem to be watching _someone_ very closely..."

Sirius flushed bright red.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Of course you don't."

•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•

"Do you have any money? If not, we're happy to buy your books, we have plenty." Fleamont Potter looked enquiringly at Sirius, who looked slightly embarrassed.

"My cousin Andromeda has given me a little bit of money, however as she was also disowned she doesn't have that much either. I doubt it will be enough to buy all my books."

Euphemia looked reassuringly at the boy.

"Don't worry Sirius! You're pretty much our second son now, we're happy to help. Where do you want to head first? James needs some new robes, we can get you some at the same time if you need any."

"I probably need some, but I can pay for them myself."

Euphemia just rolled her eyes before pulling the two boys into Madame Malkins.

"Don't be ridiculous. We'll buy them for you! You can use your money at Hogsmeade and buy some sweets or something, I said you were like our son and we will treat you as such. When were you going to meet the other boys?"

"We were meeting at one in Quality Quidditch Supplies. What's the time now, Pads?"

"It's ten, so we'd better get moving. We still have a heap of shopping we need to do before we can socialise"

•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•

At ten to one, when James and Sirius were on their way to Quality Quidditch supplies, James saw a flash of red hair. He didn't even wait to see if it was Lily before trying to hide behind Sirius, sure that if she saw him when he wasn't prepared she'd completely hate him forever. After all, he hadn't rehearsed his list of nice, non-arrogant compliments in _at least_ two days.

They'd parted on almost friendly terms last year, leaving James sure that this was the year he'd get her to say yes. The other Marauders still thought he was out of his mind, but James adamantly claimed he'd actually seen her _laughing_ at the end of year prank they'd pulled on the school. Sirius thought Remus knew something more than he claimed to, seeing as Lily liked him a lot more than she liked any of the other Marauders, but he denied any knowledge of her feelings towards James.

Think about Remus brought a slight flush to Sirius' cheeks. James hadn't stopped ribbing him since finding out about his sexuality, talking about how he had been waiting for 'too long' (about four months, as he'd only noticed after forgiving Sirius) and some garbage about how 'their love story was second only to his and Lily flowers'. Sirius had almost asked 'what love story', but thought better of it. James had been insistent with his 'Moony looks at you as well!' and 'Trust me you've got a real chance's, but Sirius was convinced that the looks were purely out of sympathy (as after he'd finished breaking down Remus had explained why he was _finally_ forgiving the other teen). After all, Remus had actively hated him for three months last year, and Sirius still wasn't sure that he actually deserved to be forgiven. It was fine, though. Sirius would just bury his true feelings under a pile of fake ones and eventually they'd go away. That's how it worked, right?

Sirius was abruptly broken out of his inner musings when James kicked him in the shin.

"Look sharp, lover boy, Moony is coming over!" James whispered in his ear, snickering softly.

"Oi! I'll get you for that later!" Sirius whispered back, jostling him slightly before stopping and smiling at Remus when he came to a stop in front of the bickering teens.

"Hey Moony! How've you been!" Sirius asked, before James had a chance to say or do anything incriminating.

"Alright, but I daresay my summers been a hell of a lot less interesting than yours was. What's it like living with Prongs? Is he as much of a slob at home as he is at school?" Remus smiled teasingly at James as he said this, and James was more than willing to take the bait. He practically tackled the taller boy, and Remus staggered back slightly with the force of his weight.

Sirius just watched on snickering as James exclaimed things like 'I'm not the slob, you're the slob!' (Not true, Remus was the neatest out of all of them) and 'I'll show you who's a slob' (What was he even going for there, it made no sense whatsoever!), but it was the lightest he'd felt in four weeks.

•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•

Less than half an hour later, Sirius sat sandwiched between Remus and Peter at a table in the Leaky Cauldron, smiling across at James who was sitting next to Lily and looking like he couldn't quite believe his luck. It turns out the flash of red hair they'd seen _had_ been Lily, in the end, as she'd been saying goodbye to her friend Alice before Alice met up with her boyfriend Frank. She'd walked over when she'd noticed the boys tussling playfully a little way from the entrance of Quality Quidditch Supplies (Peter had arrived and made a comment about how 'Pads was sitting this one out to avoid messing up his hair', Sirius was forced to defend his virtue and pretty soon all four Marauders were practically wrestling outside the shop, to the confusion of most onlookers) and it was her loud 'now, boys, I'm not sure this is the best place for a catfight' coupled with a raised eyebrow and amused smile that had brought the fight to an abrupt halt.

"Lilyflowe- Uh, I mean... Hi Lily! How are you!" James had exclaimed, and after a relatively brief conversation where Sirius was 90% sure the girl was _actually flirting_ with James, they had all decided to get a butterbeer together. One thing that Sirius was 100% sure of, however, was that he was going to get a blow by blow of the afternoons events from James as soon as they got home, no matter how many times Sirius reminded the other boy that they'd both been there.

Sirius tuned back into the table just in time to see Remus looking at him weirdly. Figuring the taller boy had noticed him zoning out, Sirius flashed him an awkward smile, fully expecting to get an eye-roll in return. As such, Sirius was surprised to see the other boy look away quickly and... Was that a _flush_ creeping onto Remus' face? Sirius would've liked to try and work out what had just happened (and possibly commit the picture to his memory Remus was _so pretty_ ) but James drew him back into the conversation before he could (although he doubted he'd forget what Remus' face had looked like any time soon).

•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•

When Sirius and James got home later that afternoon, safely tucked inside James' bedroom, Sirius found James staring expectantly at him from where he was lying on the bed.

"Soooo... I saw you staring at Moony earlier..." James said, trailing off suggestively.

Inwardly Sirius cursed as a telling flush bloomed on his face. "I don't know what you're talking about." He said anyway, hoping desperately James would drop the conversation.

"Oh yes you do. You looked positively moo-" James cut _himself_ off suddenly, sitting up with a start.

"What is it?" Sirius asked, slightly concerned. His worry was seemingly unnecessary, however, as a bright grin spread across his face. Sirius was hoping he'd finally remembered that Lily had been (possibly) flirting with him, however these hopes were dashed a moment later.

"You were looking moon-" James started before beginning to laugh hysterically. When he'd calmed down slightly, he tried again. "You- you were looking _moony_ over _Moony_!" He exclaimed before he broke down laughing again, leaving Sirius to groan and bury his face in a pillow. Was this _honestly_ what his best friend was going to focus on?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me if I use any phrases you don't recognise, us Aussies have some weird phrases (although the weirder ones aren't in here because they barely make sense to us, like "flat out like a lizard drinking" which means very fast... google it)  
> I googled James' parents' names, so that's why they're weird... apparently Euphemia is a Greek name and Fleamont ended up with his grandmas maiden name and says that his skill in duelling is because of the fights he got in over his name soo idk. I'll be real, about 800 words in I was like 'urghhh why do I have to do a full chapter in his POV this will kill me' but I stuck through it... Then I gave up and decided to come back to it (Edit: Which I did! Eventually...). I'd written a bit more, Sirius going to James' house, them inviting the Marauders around, a scene in Diagon Alley but it was more terrible than this sooo.... The next parts from Sirius' perspective will be easier I think (hope)  
> I sorta half rewrote them but still. Completely different to the original versions.
> 
> Me later: goddamit why'd I delete that then I'd know what to write lol.
> 
> Me even later: why is this POV so hard and this AN so long
> 
> Me like half a year later again: it's actually not terrible and yes that was a dan and phil reference (with dil howlter) I thought about changing it but I kind of find it hysterical lol (+ idk what to call him lmao)
> 
> Note on sexuality acceptance in the wizarding world: I imagine it's kinda like what it is nowadays with us muggles: In general it's an accepted thing/is becoming accepted, but a large amount of pureblood fanatics don't think it's good bc bloodlines and general prejudice and bigotry.
> 
> This chap was slightly shorter than the first but given that it took me like a year and a half to write and that felt like a natural end, I don't think u can blame me. I thought of that pun yesterday when I went to use the word 'moony' (at the stage where James kicks Sirius in the shin) and I was like HOLD ON THIS IS AMAZING! So, yeah... Hopefully the next chap will be out in the next few weeks, not in a year and a half, but no promises. It's the holidays and I have chronic fatigue though so I have a lot of time to write! Sorry for the hella long AN and excessive use of italics lol


	3. See this one didn't take a year and a half (AKA Remus II)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus is an Angsty Teen™ and ignores some good advice because "n O o N e U n D e R s T a N d S h I m"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's literally been a year and a half since I posted the first chap so updates on my life: I'm still hella gay (well, pan) and out to all my fam that matters (So not my Dad he's an arse). I now have chronic fatigue for an as yet unknown reason, so that's fun! Ummm, I listen to podcasts now, I'm in like twenty new fandoms, have a bunch of new friends from that thing I went away on for ten weeks... That's all I can think of lol. In story related news: there's a chance I might go Rainbow Rowell in Carry On style on y'all (Note post plotting: I won't be) so be prepared for that (also everyone should go read carry on then go read its sequel that's coming out in 2019 called wayward son it's about gay wizards (even if it doesn't mention that in the blurb) and I love it so much) Thanks to all the people who have read this so far (mostly on ao3 lol), it's providing me with an actual desire to finish this. I've sat down and plotted out everything that's going to happen, so those of u on ao3 will notice that there's now a predicted chapter amount! Cool, imma start trying to write this thing now.

When Remus got back from shopping in Diagon Ally that afternoon, he was just about ready to hex himself. He'd forgotten himself in the Leaky Cauldron, too caught up in the fact that Sirius was _right there_ and looked both healthier and happier than he ever had when coming back from the summer holidays. It was amazing what 2 weeks at the Potter's could do for someone's mental and physical health, and Remus had been contemplating that (and also just taking in Sirius while he had the chance) when Sirius had turned to look at him.

Remus had had just enough time to curse himself mentally before Sirius was flashing him a grin and Remus was forced to glance away awkwardly, sure that his cheeks were bright red. He'd felt Sirius' eyes on him for a few moments after that, but didn't dare to look back until James had pulled the other boy back into the conversation. He didn't _think_ anyone else at the table had noticed the silent interaction, but he wouldn't be surprised if Lily brought it up in her next letter to him.

Honestly, his life would be so much simpler if Sirius was less bloody attractive. The smug git. Remus just wished he could talk to someone about everything, rather than just bottling it all up, but that wasn't likely to happen anytime soon...

•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•

The next night after dinner, Remus' mum Hope asked about his day in Diagon Ally.

"You've been kinda quiet and withdrawn since you got back." She explained. "Did something happen? Are you ok?"

Remus sighed, unsurprised by her question. Hope Lupin was an incredibly perceptive person, and if she wasn't a muggle then Remus would've sworn that she was secretly a skilled legilimens.

"I'm fine, Mum. Don't worry about me." He said, doing his best to smile reassuringly at her.

"Oh Remus, you're my son. I always worry about you." She said, shifting so she was closer to him. "And you might be 'fine', but that doesn't mean nothing happened. You don't have to tell me, but I might be able to offer you some advice. I was your age once, you know?"

Remus glanced down, suddenly unable to meet her eyes. "What if... What if there's something that I wanted to tell you, but it was something that I wasn't 100% sure about yet?"

Hope reached for him, clasping one of his hands between her two and bringing his gaze back up to her face. "Remus, darling, you know I'll always love you, right? No matter what, you will _always_ be my son."

Remus bit his lip, uncertain. "I think... I think I might be gay, Mum."

Now it was Hope's turn to smile reassuringly. "I thought you might be. Now tell me what's been going on with Sirius."

It was at this stage that Remus started crying.

•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•

Once Remus' tears had dried he pulled away from Hope's embrace and explained _everything._ She knew little bits of the story already, such as the fact that they'd had a big fight during the year, but Remus laid out just what they'd fought about and how conflicted he'd been the entire time, as well as what he'd felt after they'd made up and what had happened in Diagon Ally

In the end, Hope's advice boiled down to one key idea: That Remus needed to tell Sirius how he felt, even if he didn't think Sirius felt the same way. Remus thought she was slightly insane.

"It'd make things so awkward between us though, Mum. He'll probably hate me forever!"

Hope was sorely tempted to roll her eyes at her overdramatic son, but held back the urge in favour of explaining her reasoning.

"Remus, love, you four boys are thick as thieves! He won't want to jeopardise your friendship any more than you do. Weren't you just telling me how sad he looked when you weren't talking?"

"Yes, but-" Remus would've continued, but a pointed look from Hope quelled him instantly.

"And if James or Peter were to come to you on the first day of term, telling you that they were secretly in love with you and asking you to go to Hogsmeade with them, what would you do?"

"Probably let them down gently but still continue to treat them like I always have, after giving them some space for a few weeks..."

"So what makes you think Sirius would act any different to how you would?"

'Because he didn't grow up the way I did,' Remus wanted to say. 'Because he doesn't have to wonder how long it'll be before someone lets his secrets slip, and makes him lose everything. Because he's not shocked when he wakes up every day and discovers he still has close friends. Because he's not _me._ '

But he doesn't say any of that. He doesn't say anything at all. He just shrugs lightly and lets the corners of his mouth tug up into a wry smile before kissing his mum goodnight and heading off to bed.

•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•

Two weeks later Remus was headed back to Hogwarts for the beginning of 6th year, and he still had no idea what to do. The four Marauders found a compartment on the train together, and they were soon joined by Lily, Alice and Frank, along with a few of their other classmates. The four boys sequestered themselves in the corner to begin with, laughing and catching up over a game of exploding snap, but one by one the rest of the compartment joined in and before they all knew it the train ride was over.

After the feast was over, Remus found himself being cornered by Lily in the common room. He wasn't really surprised, as her last couple of owls had included some _pointed_ questions about why he'd been staring at Sirius, which he'd promptly ignored. He'd never exactly come out to Lily, as such, but she was a bright girl and was able to put the two of Remus' near-constant staring at Sirius together with the two that was his lack of a dating life. It would've probably been easier if he'd just answered her questions when she initially asked, given that she obviously didn't have an issue with him being gay and in love with his best friend, but something just felt _wrong_ about telling her before any of the other Marauders. It felt like a betrayal of their trust, but Remus didn't think it was actually possible to betray someone's trust by not trusting them enough. Or he hoped that, at least.

However, it seemed that he wouldn't be able to avoid Lily's questions for much longer. She didn't look like she was going to move any time soon, and the other Marauders (especially James) were already glancing over curiously. If he left it too long, they'd come over to work out what was happening, and that was a can of worms Remus didn't want to open any time soon. So he just sighed, and met Lily's glare with a tight smile.

"I'll meet you in the library tomorrow. We can tell the others we're planning out study schedules or something, but I don't want to this right now. And definitely not _here._ "

"Fine, but if you try to skip out on me I _will_ drag you there myself. Understood?"

Remus nodded, and Lily stepped away so that he could rejoin his friends, but not before using the universal 'I'm watching you' signal.

•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•

True to his word, Remus went to the library after his classes were finished the next day. He found Lily already set up on a table in the corner, where she'd set up some simple privacy charms so they could talk without disturbing anyone.

"So." She said as Remus sat down.

"So." Remus said wearily in return

"Are you gay?" Lily asked, and Remus started, not expecting to be asked outright so soon into the conversation. Lily was usually more tactful than that, but it seemed she wanted to give him no chance to escape her questions.

"Well, I suppose I must be." Remus replied. "There's really no other explanation for it, I guess."

Lily almost snorted at that but quickly regained her composure. "Well, you could be bi. Fancying one bloke doesn't necessarily exclude you from ever having a crush on a girl."

"I was more talking about the 'literally never having had any interest in girls' thing than the 'is hopelessly in love with one of his best mates' thing but honestly, both are equally good indicators of my sexuality."

Lily did snort this time, before looking at Remus' curiously. "Why were you avoiding my questions in your owls? I thought you might not have fully realised or might've not been comfortable with talking about it, but you aren't really having any issues right now, so that's obviously not it."

"Before you, I've only ever come out to my Mum, and I guess it felt weird to be telling you something about myself that I hadn't already told them. No offence, of course, you're one of my closest friends, but..."

"They're your _best_ friends. Don't worry, I understand."

•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•

Remus and Lily actually did make homework planners, in the end, but not until after they'd had a very long conversation about what Remus' should do. Lily's advice hadn't actually been that different to Hope's, but she phrased it in a very different way.

"The way I see it is that you have three different options here. Option number one is that you don't tell Sirius, and in an attempt to stop fancying him you distance yourself from him and end up driving him away. You lose the friendship."

"Not an option." Remus had said, not considering it for a second.

"Shush, you already had your turn talking. It's my turn now. Option number two is that you don't tell him, and make yourself miserable because of the crush and end up resenting the situation and take it out on him. He forgives you because he might be a giant prat but you're still one of his best friends. This makes you like him and resent the situation more and it's a vicious cycle that ends up driving him away. You lose the friendship."

Remus grits his teeth in order to stop himself from replying, and Lily continues on.

"Option number three is that you tell him, and if he returns your feelings then yay! Good for you! You two become boyfriends and snog at every available opportunity and the majority of the student populace is devastated that you two are both taken. If he doesn't return your feelings, he'll let you down gently, because he may be a giant prat but you're still one of his _best friends._ You two are awkward around each other for _at most_ six months, but ultimately you keep the friendship."

Lily looked expectantly at Remus, and he figured he was allowed to talk now.

"Or maybe I can take option number four, where I _don't_ tell Sirius, I continue treating him like I always have, the crush eventually goes away with him having never found out about it, and in the end I _don't_ lose the friendship. Four seems like the best option, I think I'll go with that."

Lily sighed. "Option number four just leads to option number two, Remus. Look, I won't force you to do or say anything. That's not fair on you _or_ Sirius. But please at least consider it? I don't want you to regret this..."

Remus sighed in return. "Ok, I'll consider it. But can we please talk about something other than my love life now?"

•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•

When Remus got back from the library he was quickly pulled up to the dorm room by Peter.

"Padfoot and Prongs are both waiting for us. I was posted as a lookout for you." Peter explained.

Remus wasn't sure what they wanted from him, but he wasn't actually that surprised. Weirder things had happened to him (like the time he opened the curtains of his bed to find a stag, rat, and dog lying on it) and he'd learnt to just go along with whatever was happening. When they opened the door to their dorm, he saw James and Sirius sitting expectantly in the middle of the floor.

"Nice of you to finally join us." James remarked when Remus and Peter had finished sitting down in the spaces left for them.

"Prongs, you all knew me and Lily were catching up and making study plans in the library. I told you this morning."

"Ah, yes. Lily. That brings us to our first order of business." Suddenly, James' expression changed dramatically. While he had initially looked incredibly solemn, the look he shot Remus closely resembled an expectant puppy. "Did she say anything about me?!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing Angsty Teen™ Remus is my new favourite thing lmao. And shhhh the prefects compartment doesn't exist it fell into the void  
> Also I realise that this chapter is a lot more 'Remus discusses things with people who tell him he needs to discuss it with one specific person and he says no' and a lot less 'Emma (me) advances the plot forward in a really meaningful way', but hey character development is a thing! And Remus is acknowledging his feelings now! That wasn't really happening in chapter 1! Plus he's out to 2 people now! And we're (theoretically) halfway through this thing, so if I keep my momentum going and don't leave it for another year and a half then it should be finished by the end of Jan! Yay!  
> Idk if it seems like I dramatised Remus coming out to his mum, but just in case a) she was the first person he ever told, b) he'd been bottling that shit up for a while and I once bottled shit up enough that I had a breakdown over a friend jokingly insulting a youtuber I liked to watch when I was feeling down, and c) idk it felt natural I came out to my mum in a letter so that I wouldn't cry but then I still did when she talked to me about it the next morning (and every time she asks me which person (not guy) I have a crush on I feel like crying because hey she actually accepts me and that was a thing I was worried about her slipping up on) sooooo  
> If you see any errors (grammatical or otherwise) feel free to point them out so I can correct them!


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